we’re born from a womb
straight to hands of other humans
and like almost all of the wounding that occurs
happens in social situations
so the healing will happen in social situations
you’ve been selected
by the great knower
to hold this person’s nervous system
so to me it to
it has to become priority No. 1
to a tune to your partner’s somatic body to
to really catch like what’s actually happening here
and how can I support them in feeling good and relaxed
because feeling good and relaxed a
a relaxed body and nervous system can create
welcome back to the Embodied Relationship Experience
podcast I’m your host John Weinland
Today I’m here with a good brother of mine
Preston smiles uh
we’re gonna talk about emotional safety and what I’ve
uh termed before devotion to love
like what does it mean to be devotional to love
and what does the day to day practice
of caring for your partner’s nervous system
actually look like so as we dive into this
you know please understand that
you know we’re giving our perspectives on this
they’re not it’s not every perspective and um
please leave comments below
please feel free to give a like
and share with somebody
you think would benefit from this
and we’re gonna jump right in
so thank you Preston
I’m stoked to have you here
you’re my third guest yeah yeah
I think you would have been my first
but our our scheduling didn’t line up
so Steph beat you to that
yeah
um you know
I really wanted to
expand on these things that I’ve been talking about
um in my book
I’m writing about this whole section
about what it means to be devotional to love
and the way I set it up is that
devotion to love is not just sort of
how we think about devotion about
you know being caring to our partner
but it also includes
the deep work we’re doing ourselves
so that we can be more available right
it includes you know
our capacity to self regulate our own nervous system
which is very fucking hard
and then to co regulate with our partner
um everything
that we can do in the relational field
to create emotional emotional safety
is what I’m sort of terming a devotion to love
I’m trying to frame it so that people don’t just see
like hey
I’m doing my deep inner work for me
but this is really
what’s preparing me to be the best partner
and be able to be an agent for healing for my partner
right and
you know it in the David Data lexicon
this would be considered sort of the second stage work
he talks about first stage is really self oriented
um second stage is about the
the about our community and about our relationships
and then third stage is about God
art etcetera right
love and it’s in this like
you know in the ways that I teach men
people tend to love to jump into the polarity work
because it’s the juicy sexy
erotic stuff yep
but they will often skip this part of emotional safety
and I think that I I’ve watched you over the years
you know you and I have been friends for a few years
um I even worked with you and Alexi
you know for a couple of years
and what I’ve seen in you is your commitment
like I’ve actually
the reason why I wanted to choose you for this man is
cause I’ve seen how hard you’ve worked
to continually return to this concept of
how can I you know
rather than being right in a fight
or making sure my agenda is
you know played out in a fight
you know how can I actually um
soothe her nervous system
how can I make her feel safe
and you’ve really you know
you and Alexi too have have really done a beautiful job
and it’s been really cool to watch
you know sort of side by side how you’ve done that
so I thought not only do you teach this stuff
but you really practice it
that part yeah
and and so I
I was really excited to have you on
to kind of start
to flush out
some of the things that have worked for you
you know I’ve had some things that have worked for me
some things that have failed for me haha
quite a few you know
but it’s an it’s I the thing I’ll say before I I
I I turn it to you is
you know that this is
you know I just want the the audience to know this
like the what we’re talking about here
this is a practice of failure and recommitment
yes consistently right
because we’re dealing with our childhood wounds
our childhood patternings
our fight or flight responses
all this sort of really deep gnarly stuff
so can I just tap on that yeah
please man yeah
just jump on it so
one of the things I think we all get sort of caught in
self included
but I keep reminding myself to unhook from it
is this idea of failure in general
because what I look at and think about
and I’ve seen some of your journey yeah
I wouldn’t personally say you failed at any of it
thank you right
thank you the only way we would deem it a failure is
is if it lasts for 30 years right
so if it’s 30 days it’s a failure
if it’s three months it’s a failure
if it’s three years it’s a failure
the only time that it works is if you stay together
yeah and I don’t find that to be necessarily true
there’s a lot a lot of deep magic in being
committed and in a partnership over time
but for instance a lot of us only look at that
as it pertains to romantic relationships
but I look at the work you did even with David
that’s commitment over time
right and
and what breeds what comes from that
even conflict that has come from that
but then to still have respect and love right
and so as we unhook from all of the societal constructs
I genuinely when nobody’s around and it’s just
you know the friends talking
I don’t look at who you’ve been and
in your relationships as a failure at all
thank you man
thank you yeah
yeah no
it’s a it’s a growing edge
yes and the one thing that I keep coming back to
and I’ve seen this with a lot of my friends
many of whom are like you
you know coaches
leaders teachers right
the areas that they tend to struggle in are these areas
like how can I create emotional safety for my partner
over my need to be heard right bro yeah
and and what I consider
I don’t say a failure but what I consider a challenge
has been to keep coming back to that um
to keep coming back to like okay
what’s more important is my partner’s nervous system uh
regulation her feeling that she’s in a safe space and
right and to do that
when I’m getting
what I consider to be criticized or attacked or right
that that
that is real practice it’s huge yeah
yeah literally at the dinner table last night
it was me Russ
Alexi and Emily
and we were having a chat about this very thing
and I I butted in and I said
I actually think it’s sometimes easier for
regular people who aren’t in the work
right to uh repair and meet each other right
then it is for people who are in the work
who know all of the terminology
and they’re like oh your
that’s your six year old part
that’s your shadow coming forward right
and and then we get in these sort of like
hierarchical stances because we know so much
and for me my big work
uh with Alexi
you know it’s been 11 years
11 years at the same beautiful person
um really high highs and extremely low lows
I don’t know too many people who’ve come back
from what we’ve been in um
especially given that we’re both 2
a type personalities that are
I guess you would call fix personalities
and so for us to make it is like a feat
and not just make it but thrive
and a big part of it for me
that I see has worked is coming back to simplicity
hmm now explain
explain what you what you mean there
let’s double click that it
it goes to what I was just saying a moment ago
which is okay
am I
versed enough to understand what’s occurring over here
right yes
am I also versed enough to understand that the human
brain must delete distort and generalize things
because it’s taking in lots of information okay
awesome so is it possible that I’m also deleting
distorting and generalizing how I’m viewing her
yeah okay
check check
check check fantastic
so now let’s get back to the simple terms
and here’s the beautiful thing about why I can do this
is because I watch my kids do it all the time
I watch them go through and complete cycles of anger
sadness joy
sexual feelings
and then they move straight through it and they’re back
and so I watch how simple their interactions are
when they do fight over a cookie or the back seat
or whatever the case may be
and this in the simplest terms
it’s having a culture of apology and Celebration
uh huh
and having each of our emotional bank accounts so full
prior to said moments
that when we get to those moments
it’s less about me
unloading all of the resentments I’ve had
for the last four months or four years
and more about just going okay
out of 8 billion people
I have been hand selected by god
the universe to support
hold and be with this beautiful soul
now what occurred to her nervous system as a child
how her psyche was formed
not me yeah
but I have been entrusted with her heart in this moment
and so in the simplest terms it’s thank you God
I got it right let me be of service and courageous
enough to move past my wounded little boy
wants to be of service to this person
who I shook hands with in the stars and said
let’s do this together
I love that man and that
that that’s kind of in a nutshell what devotion to love
at least to me feels like right
like I have a I was chosen
I was given this person and so my responsibility is to
I love how you said this to be
you bet you said I
I can’t remember how you put it
but I what I heard was regulate myself and be full
right like
and to be relaxed and to be full and happy
and have taken care of myself enough
so when the moment of the shit hitting the fan comes
you know I’ve got enough in my
in my tank that I can be generous right
you’re talking about real generosity correct yeah
yeah but here’s the
here’s where it gets tricky though
John cause
and I’ll speak for myself on this one
I’m not always I
I don’t always have enough in my tank to be generous
with four kids yes
and two businesses however
I do have enough conscious awareness
on how to allow my tank to get refilled
enough to be able to walk back in that room
to me the most powerful move on the planet is the pivot
and so I’ve had plenty of things come up with my wife
in our relationship where I go to you guys and I go
right and you guys hold it and you go right
I’ve I’ve given you credit on multiple podcasts
hmm on this very thing
Alexi and I are deep in the depths of the worst
thing that has ever happened to our relationship
you know about it yeah
it’s our thing right
um I go to you guys and I’m talking through it
and I’m not one that gives up easily
but there’s a part of me that’s like
I’m about to give up
and you asked me you said
have you loved her the way you want to
and that question literally broke me
cause I instantly knew I hadn’t
I I
I hadn’t even come close to loving her how I wanted to
and we were eight years in
I’m like motherfucker
eight years well
I think what you’re pointing to is
what a lot of people miss
which is that unwinding these patterns right
unwinding these patterns like
opening through
the parts of us that want to consistently close
that shit takes persistence and time and
and people you know
I’ve seen people all the time that give up fast
I mean I was involved with
in a situation where someone gave up fast
and it was like wow
like six months isn’t enough time
six years uh huh
two years three years of really trying to like okay
let’s figure out what exactly is happening here
and how we can sort of work this through
and you know
and I think it I think the more people can realize like
hey we’re talking about linear generational
yes traumas that we are being entrusted with reversing
right healing yes
that’s a big fucking thing right yes
and and it’s not just about the drama of you and me
correct it’s
it’s like what we’re handing down to our kids
and giving to our communities
and like you know
what we’re radiating out into the world
and the reason why this topic was so important to me is
cause I think people miss this part right
we’re so ready to get in the medicine journey
and have the magical experience or
you know get into the polarity field
and feel all the sexual juice
or the tantric field but it’s in
it’s in this kind of work yes
and I’d love to like
I’d love to hear a couple examples of like
walk me through the mechanism of how okay
there’s a trigger there’s gonna be a fight
somebody gets big somebody gets rattled
da da da da and how do you like moment by moment
actually you know
I’m sure there’s been
moments where you feel really good about it
and moments where you’re like oh
I could have done better
but walk me through a moment where you felt like okay
like that was me like I access
I was tired I access something I gave her
what she needed then she
you know gave me back what I needed
and then this whole thing was avoided
and deeper trust was created yeah
so I this is a controversial theory
everybody out there just leave it in the comments
this is gonna this is gonna piss some of you off
but I think a lot of you may get it um
and this is specifically to the men
listening and watching this podcast
my No. 1 trick is I don’t listen to her at all haha
yeah I can
I can already feel the people
the women going like fuck him
I don’t listen I don’t listen
cause if I listen
then I’m engaging from a personality perspective
and my job is to actually catch her body
is to tune to her nervous system
to tune to her
like what she’s actually desiring and really needing
and how I figured this out is multiple things
including some of your work
but it’s really with my kids
my kids they get mad about everything
like just everything I could be like alright
it’s time to go to bed
and I don’t listen to that
yeah yeah
I’m like oh
you didn’t eat earlier
oh you need a nap
oh you need a hug
oh you need reassurance that daddy’s here
that’s it yeah yeah
so we aren’t we are just bigger kids
yeah and so I don’t listen to her
her stuff until we and I give this example
in some of my I have something called
the Spiritual Millionaire Academy
and somebody asked this question
just two days ago about this
and I said you know
imagine you’re in a boat right
you and your partner are in a boat together
and the boat capsizes and you’re out you
you can see the shore it’s like two miles away
but you’re in the water
at that point that’s not the moment to start having
deep conversations that’s
that’s not the moment to to like
figure out whose fault it is that we’re in the water
at that moment it’s both of our jobs
to figure out how to swim back to shore
get back on dry land
grab a coconut or an apple out of the tree
get completely back in our bodies
out of the fight flight
freeze and appease nervous system stress response
for some people that’s four hours
for people who’ve experienced trauma in their lifetime
hardcore trauma it’s four days right
so our job is to get back to shore
then when we’re back to shore
and we are we’re out of the reptilian brain and and
and into the executive executive functioning um
of the prefrontal cortex now
now we have a conversation
yeah so when
when Alexi and I or my kids or anybody
my No. 1 thing is don’t listen
don’t listen don’t listen
a tune to her body breathe into her
take her in but you are listening
yes you’re just listening to her body
yes I’m not listening to her words
yeah yeah
I’m listening to her body
I’m listening I’m also taking internal hits right
we are our nervous systems overlap and
you know 11 years in
we’re so deeply connected
that there can be things that occur inside of me
that become like body hits
that become intuitive like do this
move this say this
go there I’m listening for that too
inside of me and less concerned
and involved with the details of what she’s saying
we had this therapist who I will remain unnamed
who I don’t like
but he did share something that was really beautiful
with us while we were in it
and he said when you’re apologizing and uh
repairing say less
and it was such a big gift for both of us
because we would get in the pattern of uh
you know I want to apologize for
you know the thing that happened and
you know the truth is it was your fault
and you know
what’s really going on here is
you’re in your ludic cycle
and this is happening and the more and more yeah
each of us gives details yeah
the more it’s not an apology
and now we’re back to the races
into the details of who said what
yeah and so
depending on the couple right
we are both uh
very big personalities yeah
yeah so for us
it’s strong
it’s not a good idea to be in the details of something
yeah
for me it’s can I breathe into my balls in this moment
yeah can I check out of because the big thing is
and this is ladies hear me out here
this is again hear me out
men catch a lot of slack for our big
big anger outbursts
and what I wanna just remind everybody
is that you can be extraordinarily triggered
without raising your voice yeah yeah
so a lot of times you know
men we can we can catch oh
this this person is not all the way there right now
yeah right right yeah
maybe she’s sharing it from right here
but right here is loaded as hell right
and you’re like oh man right
so for me it’s like
is my partner regulated
doesn’t seem so
am I regulated not that much
let’s let’s let’s get back to shore
let me get regulated and then we can talk yeah
I I mean
I love that and
and I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that
not listening to the content
men in particular
will take their awareness and go to finding truth
truth not truth truth not truth right
and so when you’re focusing on the words
the truth not truth thing
you just you get super fired up
I didn’t happen
I didn’t say that it didn’t quite happen that way
double okay
well that maybe I did
you know you’re
you’re sort of filtering for the truth
cause your awareness is on the language
that versus putting your awareness
like you said on your regulation on their regulation
because let’s face it
90% of the communication in that moment is
I don’t feel safe with you
because I never felt safe with this
because my father didn’t and my mother didn’t
and my ex didn’t
and and so this capacity to listen beyond
I’ll soften it a little bit
yes like to listen to listen beyond the words into the
the what what’s really being communicated
which is usually uh huh
I’m triggered and I don’t feel safe uh huh right
and so this capacity
I think it’s a I think it’s a really wise approach
right to just be like okay
I’m gonna let that be like the wind
David used to talk about it like this
like just let her words be like the wind
you know you’re not like
looking at the wind and parsing every fucking sentence
you know
let it be the wind and then just really focus on
you know what’s in front of you
and so I think that
one of the things that people struggle with is this
idea that they are if they’re not heard right
then they’re not loved yes
and and I think that that
that the capacity to hear another first right
to really hear another listen their body
listen to their heart listen to like
sort of feel what’s really
happening actually works better right
actually works better and when you like you said
get back to the shore and then your
you know frontal cortex can come back online
then you’re able to sort of see things truly
and you know again
I think that people
I’m gonna keep trying to at least for my audience
keep wrapping this in this idea that this is
this is very hard and people push back like
if I do that he’ll dot dot dot or she’ll dot dot dot
Yep I’ve certainly done that too
but when I think like okay
what’s going to liberate love in this moment yes
yes is me saying like
hey baby I’m with you
I want to hear you we’re both kind of hot
let’s take a few breaths together
let me put my hand on your heart
let me stroke your heart and
and so
I think what I’ve been trying to teach people is
is help your partner come out of the trauma response
yes the fight or flight response
yes by putting your hands on them or
or giving them words of reassurance
I mean yes
everybody’s got a different thing yes
um does that work for you
or how do you guys normally do it
do you do you take you like hey
things are getting hot let’s just take a little breath
go to our separate corners
then come back after we’ve self regulated yes
okay so that’s that’s the No. 1 thing that works
what doesn’t work for her is when I do it out of anger
um so what she requires and desires is for me to say
hey I’m gonna go take a moment to get back to shore
but I’m coming back and I love you
yeah right
like that makes her feel more held and seen
I’ll say for me what I have come to understand
even about all of this is
uh perspective and direction directionality
and I actually mean that physically
so if we’re fighting in on this couch
I will get up and change the
the direction and the physicality of where we are
I’ll ask her hey
can we walk yeah right
we just need to switch up the energetics of it
because staying in that stance
it that’s
that’s like a freeze frame right
yeah now we’re frozen in this stance
and now we’re fighting from here
tractor beam and correct yeah
yeah yeah correct
yeah the other piece that I think is really fascinating
um when it comes to man woman dynamics and or
or just relational dynamics and devotion and safety is
you already pointed to it
but I just want to pull it out a little more
it’s understanding my own
social and historical programming
cause a lot of times what I’m mad about is not based on
uh
truth
but more facts and there’s a big difference between the
the facts and the truth right right right
and so
as I unearth my own social and historical programming
because
all of us were born into beliefs and interpretations
so if I understand ah
I have a belief and interpretation that I was born into
that women do this and they do it like this
when this happens now
I can beat the game
that’s occurring in my nervous system
because this is when we go offline that’s
it’s so primal yeah
that to the body
this is life or death absolutely
because it was when we were kids correct
yeah and so now I’m in a life or death situation where
where I’m not seeing the truth
I’m not understanding that this is like
a grain of sand on a beach
full with sand and that it won’t matter
and it even doesn’t matter right now
because what I’m really fighting for
has less to do with the facts
of what we’re talking about
and more to do with an overarching program
that’s been running inside of me
and for me
what you’ve seen of me is a lot of cutting cords right
I’ve I’ve teach this a lot
you know the first cord gives us life
the second one holds us back often
and so
our biggest work is to cut that second umbilical cord
that is tied to not just our parents
but their parents and their parents
which we know
it’s three generations back that we inherit
yeah not just the parent thing
but the church and the school and the program
all of that has us in a conversation
and as a married man with four children
there’s like shoulds and like
of courses that I had in my body
and shoulds and of courses she had in her body
and those two beautiful shoulds and
of courses got into a relationship
and when we weren’t meeting each other
with those shoulds and of courses
fights start to happen one of our biggest fights
first biggest fight was about
another way to look at that is expectations right
like that’s how I would describe it right yes
but yeah expectations
covert contracts that kind of stuff
just in case but those come from program
yes of course right
so one step deeper is what has become
of course like our
literally
one of our biggest fights was around a kitchen towel
and how I folded it right
and she’s like
that’s wrong and I’m like
who says right
I live here too right
right
and she’s like well
I wash the dishes I’m like
well I do too
she’s like not as much as me
right
and now we’re going back and forth because in her mind
but the truth let
let me just let me just tap on that truth
so you got the truth of that combination
yes who
who washes more dishes yes
but the real truth is you know
the capacity for you to be resourceful and deep
enough to go like
all the truth isn’t about who washes the dishes correct
the real truth is what would you say in that moment
the real truth is
both of us are in a power struggle
because we love each other
and we want this to work and so
whoever’s antenna
and willingness to say something about the thing
might illuminate something
but what’s under the thing we’re talking about is
how do I feel safer yeah
with you yeah
how do I know you’re not gonna do what my dad did
yeah how do I know that you’re not gonna hurt me
like all those other guys did
yeah how do I that’s what’s under it and for me right
I grew up my mom super powerhouse Virgo
yeah sister
extremely strong yeah
I grew up in a household with two powerful women
the only way I felt free and safe
was to leave that house
so now
I get into a relationship with a powerful Virgo woman
right yeah
and now my programming comes right back yeah
and so the old programming is escape
hide put on the mask do the good boy thing oh
look at me I’m a good boy the new deeper cut
the man that enters the room
acknowledges that that programming
and that hurt that that little boy experienced
and then begins to build a bridge
do you acknowledge that to her too
yes just to yourself
that’s the that’s crucial part that’s crucial
the part I’m saying yeah
yeah build a bridge yeah
to my partner where I let her in on that understanding
so that she can support me
so that when kitchen towel moments come up
she understands it’s not about a kitchen towel right
it’s about being controlled by dominant women right
you catch it right
so that had nothing to do with the kitchen towel
and everything to do with me
trying to make sure that I didn’t repeat my childhood
yeah that that is so I think
I think when people that light comes on
so much changes right
when we realize like oh wow
I am I am rallying against repeating my childhood
and the other piece that we didn’t
you didn’t talk about
but I think it’d be fun to pull on is
and I’m also bringing the negative and positive traits
of my mother and father with me haha
so I’m I’m literally
I did this exercise yesterday where I was
where I looked at
I had a father that left when I was 2 and a stepfather
and I was doing this inventory on a past relationship
and and then I was I was saying
which one of those which one of
that trait that I really didn’t think was very helpful
came from which dad hmm
and I could actually like pull the the traits that
you know reactivity came from Richard
you know being volatile came from Richard
you know
being withdrawn and kind of indulgent and selfish
came from dad you know what I mean
like and so we’re bringing those
those traits from of our fathers
you know in our in our case right
are are
do you recognize the
the traits of your father that you
that you bring into those moments dude
thousand percent haha haha
what are they let me hear it
thousand percent there’s so many
I’m sure Lexi knows them yes
well yeah
yeah I think just just also tap on this
one of my biggest realizations when we were in the
the hell that we were in for a couple years
that you witnessed was that since 13
I had been trying to beat my dad
so I had been competing with him unconsciously since 13
and so what you resist persist
anything you run from will chase you forever right
and so this big catalyst moment where we’re
we did get a divorce but we remarried each other right
we got an energetic divorce
we burn the rings
we decided that that relationship no longer serves us
and we went through a process of courting
and coming back to the truth of who
and what we were
and what we decided and declared as a couple
and then I got down on one knee in Australia
and asked her to marry me again right
so for those of you who want the fullness of the story
all that to say um
I grew up with a father who had a very
I’ll say this my dad at one point
I think I was 16 he looked at me and he said
your mom’s a bitch your sister’s a bitch
all women are bitches
and that wasn’t the first time I had heard that
but it was the first time it was like
okay
um
none of the masculine uh
role models in my life ever stayed in the room yeah
none of them yeah
and for me you know
even with my sons the thing I wanna hang
I’m gonna hang my hat on is I’m gonna say to them
you you’re gonna get destroyed by the feminine right
like there’s no way out of it yeah
yeah but that’s a beautiful right
that’s a relationship it’s awesome
what’s gonna make you powerful
what makes you a man
is not whether you get knocked down
not whether you get off track
not whether you lose your temper
but how you recover from that
and for me my dad was not good at recovering yeah
once he got into resentment
he was like cool
now I’m gonna cheat on you right
now I’m gonna lie right
fuck me now it’s fuck you forever
and I’ve had that trait of you hit me
I hit you 10 times harder since childhood
and it never served Alexei
and I the thing I feel not bad about
but I can look back on and go oh
I really really dropped the ball here was
I played out this nice guy
good boy pattern for most of our relationship
we’ve been together 11 years
I’d say for eight of those years
I was playing this role of
I’ll do the dishes I’ll wash the clothes
I’ll do this I’ll
yes dear
I love you that I being the superhero right
yeah and a lot of that was true and right
and exactly who I am and some of it was a way
for me to try to get my needs met
but it was still me hiding
it was the same pattern I played out as a kid
yeah I would be great as a child
and hope that my mom caught that I was really sad
right or like needed a hug or like
you know needed a date with her and I
and so it it really was me scapegoating my masculine
and handing it to Alexei and saying hey
figure out figure out what I need
yeah yeah
right instead of saying hey
yeah not even just saying
building out what I need like really claiming it and
and first and foremost giving it to myself
a big part of our uh
misconnection was I was wanting her to fill my cup
I was going look
I’m filling everybody else’s cup
look I’m all over the world
I’m teaching I’m
I’m doing all this stuff you’re supposed to fill my cup
and and when I really got it and it clicked
I went oh no no
I fill my cup yeah
I nurture me yeah
I love me I fill me up
I I really genuinely take care of my mind
body and soul
and you and everybody else is a cherry on top yeah
all of you are extra hmm hmm
I I think that is a huge issue for men
I mean I lead men’s groups
you lead men’s groups
what I see so much in men is they’re they they
they they get busy
they get children they get big businesses
they have community right
and then the thing that takes
short shift is their self nourishment
and then that inevitably
leads them into the place of unconscious replaying
of childhood patterning and so I
I can’t say this enough to any men who are listening
is that the be
you being devotional to your relationship
you being devotional to life
involves you doing the shit you need to do
so that you’re fully resourced
and when you lose that you’re
you’re
inevitably going to not be able to meet these moments
okay so let’s get granular here
I I would like to know
I’ve just I’ve just been writing on this
this morning
and I came up with a few things that I think
actually soothe people’s nervous systems
but this is what works for me
everybody’s got their own tricks
and every partner is different
so I would love to hear like
what actually what have you figured out
actually does the trick
in those moments where you can see it go
it went from like a 1 to a 3
and if you say the right thing
or touch her the right way
or love on her the right way
or look at her the right way
it goes back down to a 1 you know
like what are some of your you know
go to nervous system soothing techniques
yeah so I’ve I’ve got her pretty dialed right now
it’s it’s awesome um
one you start with for everybody
you got to start with
whether it’s a man or woman or woman or woman
or whatever it is you start with like who is my partner
hmm like how are they actually like what’s their makeup
and so I have a very strong Virgo wife
who is very detail oriented
and we have four kids under 6 right
or four kids 6 and under which means our house
Every 35 seconds can just look like a tornado yeah
yeah and so
I know that one of the ways that her nervous system
right what
what creates the spaciousness for us to have intimacy
physical intimacy
emotional intimacy is the house being clean
hmm and so what I’ll do is one
I’ll clean it myself I’ll just literally go okay
I know she’s gonna walk in from her office
I’m gonna vacuum this floor
I’m gonna pick up all these toys
even at the end of the night
it is very hard for her to go to sleep
if there’s dishes in the in the sink
it’s extremely hard for her to feel yes
right
for her to feel relaxed if there’s toys on the ground
in the hallway and so
I will preempt that
knowing that that will make her feel relaxed
that’s one just in case you guys are wondering
like that is devotion to love yes
two when we get in the bed
um you know
we spend a lot of day
of our day out taking care of the kids
taking care of the businesses
text messages phone calls
zoom calls all the things
my wife is deeply intellectual
and she does really well with us
talking about life outside of the bills and the kids
and who’s got school pickup tomorrow
and all of that stuff so
I will intellectually fuck her
by way of asking her stuff that I’m curious about right
and you know
the other day two days
two nights ago I asked her
what’s one of the most precious moments of your life
right with and without the kids
and so
just getting curious about her and getting her mind uh
going actually opens up intimacy
and makes her nervous system go okay
we have some quality time
number three having staycations
and things that she knows we’re going to do together
that are just her and I
so if there’s a date in the calendar a month from now
three months from now
she knows we’re going to Ibiza with John and the crew
if she knows that we have a staycation at the line
hotel in two weeks from now
all of that creates this relief where she goes ah
okay he’s got it
yeah he’s got he’s
he’s not taking his eye off our connection
he’s aware yes
he’s aware yeah
yes yeah
um and then I’d say the last one is
cause she doesn’t care about gifts
but me sending her messages throughout the day
even every couple days of how much I love her
how that what I actually love about her
that does that goes really far um
these just little touchpoint moments
and then and the last one is
every couple has traditions
one of ours is watching Netflix
Love is Blind or something like that
just something super not trashy
but like close to it yeah
yeah love Is
Love Island or whatever yeah
and just getting into it and like
dissecting all the dynamics
yeah yeah correct
so making sure that when that happens we
I find her feet right
we we
our feet
find each other and do this little snuggle thing
and one of us will reach over and do the hand thing
and then that’s like up
we’re in yeah
so yeah
that’s some of it and what would you say works for you
uh huh
like what what can she do
like when you cause you know
you’re a fiery dude yeah
we all know this yeah right
yeah and so what does she do to kind of you know
ease your fire what can she what works for you
yeah man um
I’m gonna take ownership on that
I make it
I don’t make it easy for people to just pour into me
cause I take care of everybody else yeah
yeah yeah
this is some of the work that I’m doing is just like
being receiving um
any compliment at all from her in particular praise
so any praise any recognition and yeah
I got it
cause I can get it from everybody on the internet
but I want my wife yeah right right
so any type of praise like the other day she was like
oh my God your
your beard looks really good
I was like I’m gonna eat you
haha
right it’s like this just any type of feminine praise
yeah big time
supporting me when I’m doing stuff
that might leave her with the kids for a little bit
uh huh right
cause there’s this
this masculine guilt that I take on where I’m like uh
that’s that’s a lot of kids and and in the past
she would share like how hard it was
which in my sort of good boy programming went okay
well then you can’t do that next time
so anytime she like lifts me and says yes
go have that dinner with the boys
go take that trip yes
yeah go to Tahoe and ski and do mushrooms
and have a good time
you need this right
like that support
and a lot of what I’m speaking to is
what I desired as a kid that I didn’t get
yeah I mean
isn’t that what we we’re really doing
the unconscious contract
I think we’re making with our partners is
can you give me the things that my parents couldn’t
the problem is we tend to choose people who are
to have the same traits as our parents oftentimes but
but but it is
it is so great to recognize like okay
um and I love what you’re talking about
it’s really about paying attention to who they are
yes and what makes them tick
and I just want to give um
an assignment to anybody listening here
take I don’t take a few minutes
take 10 minutes
and write down 20 things that you can do
that you think that might not work
but you think might work
to soothe and relax your partner’s nervous system
it can be daily life stuff like Preston’s talking about
or it can be in a moment where there’s conflict right
um but I would just love for you guys to think about it
because rarely do we actually think about like hey
how can I put my awareness on
what soothes their nervous system
so anyway
I just thought that you know
really I try to put them to work yes
yeah yeah
no I try to put them to work man
that’s really good it’s interactive and
and you know for
for me um
the praise thing is I was
I was listening to
I was reflecting on what works for me what
what I’ve seen
it’s interesting because every partner is different
like
some partners really want closeness when they’re upset
some partners like my ex partner wanted space
like just and so
what I realized
that her nervous system needs to kind of
be in her little bubble and just kind of self regulate
but if she felt me doing things for her
while she was doing that
that really did something for her
like I remember one moment I
I it was a
we had a nasty little fight
and we were sort of in our separate corners
and she was in the bedroom
watching Love Is Blind or something and
and I and I got her a
like a really cool cinnamon roll from the salty here
and I brought her that cinnamon roll
and I was like and she just was so appreciative of it
just that I had thought about her while she was yes
you know taking space
yes and I think that
paying attention to what makes our partners
nervous systems work is such an unspoken act of love
like right
you know what I mean like top show yeah
yeah really is and I think these moments add up
but I’ll a couple things that work for me um
should have words of reassurance like hey
I’m not judging you right
or hey you know we’re on the same team or hey
like you know
we’re gonna work this out or hey yeah
I wanna listen to you and just
just sort of assurance that we’re gonna work
through the conflict yes
because in my house when I was young
like there was a ton of unresolved conflicts
so my nervous system gets tweaky yes
in unresolved conflicts so just some reassurance like
we’re gonna work through this yes
we’re gonna sit down and make it work
that that does wonders for me yeah
let me say one more controversial thing
haha
okay ladies hear this
I I genuinely have spoken to thousands of dudes
and this just will this will always work
just hear me it’ll always work
apologizing for something in detail
will make your man feel so good
oh my god like I just want you all to hear this
I was talking about this last night
if there’s 50 things that go wrong in the house
more than likely the dude
feels like he’s being blamed for at least 48 of them
haha
like it’s just right
so so if you just even took two of the 50 haha
just two of the 50 and said
you know what I was wrong in that moment yeah
like
you don’t know what it feels like to have a cycle and
and X y and Z
but that was my bad
I actually went too far there like I’m sorry
oh my God
you want a dude that will lift the house for you yeah
just say sorry a couple times and mean it
and have details I’ll go a little bit further
you say you say I’m sorry and you say
you know what I’ve done that before
uh huh I’ve done that
I’ve done that I I do that a lot in my life yeah
so it must be hard it must I mean
I I don’t think
I don’t think women get like
how important those kind of apologies and repairs are
cause men will naturally value it
yes right
if you’re a decent guy yes
you’re gonna value taking responsibility for something
yes it’s like it’s
it’s not just what you do cause you’re a good guy
it’s like a value and you know me like I’m
I’m over the top with it a lot of the times
and and so to get that back means like hey
I see how much you value this
and I’m gonna take responsibility yes
for me and Steph and I were talking about this too
like how relaxing it is
to know that our partner has the capacity to take
responsibility for when she loses her shit
or is does something hurtful
and then apologize for it yeah
that is massive that is massive correct
even even her just saying something like
I mean when I
when I’m thinking about in sort of moments of conflict
her saying like you know what
I’m I’m bringing you this wound
that is really my daddy wound
but I’m just letting you know it’s active
and you’re the fucking culprit
just that that just that that’s like okay
I I can relax cause she’s aware yes
that she’s you know yes
bringing this up alright
let me take it one step further ladies
if you preempt us with the good outcome at the end
we can hold no matter what
if you come like if
if if explain that to them
so so if you come to your man and you say
hey babe
like can we talk right
if you say can we talk
first of all
he’s gonna have a heart attack cause he’s like shit
what did I do right now
he’s scanning he’s like
did I like something on Instagram
did I like right yeah yeah
you say hey
I need to talk to you and what we’re gonna talk about
one I just want you to know it’s not your fault right
instantly he’s like
oh okay
I’m here for it yeah yeah
No. 2 no matter how deep and dark it gets at the end
I’m gonna kiss you I’m gonna hug you
we’re gonna be better and we might even have sex haha
it’s done you could literally you
you could sit with him for seven hours
and that dude would be like
let’s go it’s good we’re having sex at the end
she’s kissing me at the end
I will hold space all day
every day knowing that it’s gonna end well
because sometimes hear me disclaimer
sometimes women will withhold their love in a fight
no until it never seen that yeah
exactly until the dude finally submits
and then the love starts returning
and so some men have a fear that okay
she’s not gonna have to ever apologize
because she holds the Trump card
which is
I’ll just remove my feminine from this whole situation
and you can just be our life will be a desert yes
she’s like you’re done bro
I got the trunk car right
so just know that we love you so much
women are awesome
and have superpowers that we don’t have
we know it right on all levels right
since you you’re just amazing
and and I was saying this and I really mean this
and I want all of everybody listening
men and women to hear this
I’ve come to the understanding
cause I value my children so much
that it really hit me in the last year that
of the sacrifice that all women who especially bear
bear children but even just period
she didn’t just give me those kids 10 months at a time
she gave me those kids starting at
when her period started at thirteen
right so we’re talking about you know
13 14 years old
having to go all the way up
then get shot all the way down
and all the embarrassment
and the things that occur in this little girl’s body
for years to get to the point
where then I can have these beautiful kids
and then she gets a little pocket a little window
and then peri menopause and pre menopause
and then menopause and then
and then she’s back at it again yeah yeah
like you don’t wanna talk about devotion bro
I’m like oh my God
thank you all women for holding that much for us
most men don’t get it it’s hard for us to get it
but for me when I look at my kids
I I start to see like ah
this didn’t just happen yeah
here this was her whole life
preparing whole life
so that I can have this beautiful family
so I like this idea of putting
emotional safety as a priority right
and I see this and I’m sure
usually what happens is
the people get to the place that you guys got
which is like we’re fucking done
or we’re on that road before they start to think like
hey how do we prioritize emotional safety
how do we prioritize you know
nervous system regulation over delivering content right
you know I mean
that’s something I’m to constantly trying
to get couples to do is like
hey slow down
stop talking check their nervous system
when their nervous system drops a tick
then you can start talking again
but but how do we
how do we create emotional safety as a priority
above
all of the other things that we think are priorities
like you know
getting the kids to school and making tons of money
and having great sex and
you know I mean
like all that stuff you could have all of that stuff
but if you come home to a home that’s unsafe
it’s still fucking miserable right
so I guess
the thing
I really want people to get from this episode is like
prioritize the skills cause it’s a
it’s a skill that you were probably not taught
by your parents
cause they weren’t even thinking about that shit
it’s a skill that you have to learn on your own
and prioritize and so yeah
I I was just wanted to hear a couple thoughts on
on how you do that how you would suggest people to
to move it out of this thing
that’s kind of nice to have
to the thing that fucking matters most
yeah I mean
I think you nailed it man
it’s it’s literally
uh the lead domino
hmm right
that
that is the thing that tips all the other dominoes
and makes everything else possible
and so
I would challenge anybody listening to this episode
to instantly not just for your partner
but for your children not just for your children
but for your parents
like if you understand your children’s children
that right the moment you get
that we’re really
in relationship with each other’s nervous systems
and that while you didn’t do 90% of the damage that is
occurs in people’s relationship
that you can actually help them heal 90% of it
by way of understanding that we co regulate each other
right we’re social beings
we’re born from a womb
straight to hands of other humans
and like almost all of the wounding that occurs
happens in social situations
so the healing will happen in social situations
you’ve been selected by the great Knower
to hold this person’s nervous system
so to me it
it has to become priority No. 1
to attune to your partner’s somatic body to
to really catch like what’s actually happening here
and how can I support them in feeling good and relaxed
because feeling good and relaxed a
a relaxed body and nervous system can create
there’s creativity there’s flow
there’s beauty there’s art
it is extremely challenging to create
from the reptilian animalistic fear based part of us
and so
everything comes down to
how do I create emotional safety for me first
and I put my mask on yeah
so that I can look right over there
and start to figure out how to help them co regulate
yeah yeah
it’s so interesting that parents will do this
for their kids like if your kids are upset
you’re not gonna like try to reason with them
you’re you’re gonna like
you’re gonna soothe their nervous system
you’re gonna pull them close
you’re gonna hopefully hopefully yes right
you’re gonna
you’re gonna take care of their nervous system and not
like you said the beginning
take what they’re saying personally
I hate you daddy right right
haha
but but and
and what we forget is
when we’re talking to our partners
in a moment of trauma they are also close to that age
they are that age so again
there is a lot of wisdom and just being like
hey how would I regulate my child
and I know
people don’t like to think of themselves this way
so it takes some humility
but if you’re just thinking like
oh this is like a seven year old
who’s really scared that they are going to get
you know left or abandoned or
or yeah neglected or something like that
and how would I care for that kind of nervous system
that part would I would I stroke their chest
would I put my hand on their belly
would I talk softly and look into their eyes
would I give them a hug
like whatever it is that that gets them there becoming
um
I think the word I would use
you know
curious yes
like super super curious about okay
what when this happens
how do they respond when this happens like
like like your example with Alexi about hey
if she’s working or putting the kids to bed
and she comes out to the living room
and it’s a fucking mess
I know that’s gonna tweak her nervous system yeah
so I’m just gonna be devotional
with my little vacuum here
correct and
you know it’s me loving her yes
this is me like caressing her face
yes you know
yes and let me just tap on this real quick
yeah because a lot of times uh
to me this is mastery right
mastery lives in the crevices
we say chop wood and carry water
for the sake of chopping wood and carrying water well
can I vacuum and do the dishes in ecstasy
can I find the magic and the gift of
you know cleaning the counters and walking the dog
the same way that I find it
you know teaching in the workshops
and that’s been the biggest
one of the biggest breakthroughs for me
is the conversation of no matter where you go
there you are and so
any moment is either a Tombstone or a stepping stone
right a prison or a paradise
and I choose to see paradise everywhere I go
yeah and so I’ve said this to some of my students
we have apprentices and I said
if you can’t bring this work to your family
hmm to the people you love the most
you failed yeah
yeah you don’t deserve to
be teaching workshops out with other people
yeah if you can’t walk into your own home
yeah and slow down enough to like find out what
what your person needs yeah
yeah that’s so true man
and I think
I think a good way to maybe wrap this up is to um
really uh
consider so
so somebody who’s watching this right
like cause I’ve sort
you and I both been in this thing of like
I don’t know how to get from this sort of um
the pattern
reactivity that I’m experiencing in my relationship
to being devotional to their nervous system
I don’t know how to get to point
you know Z from where I’m at right now um
how would you suggest that
that people start yes
to get there yep
find a safe person and share your grievances
not with the person you have the grievances about right
right so because we’re social we’re we’re
we’re social beings
care but don’t carry right
observe but don’t carry yes
observe but don’t absorb
and how we don’t do that is by handing it over right
I handed it over to you guys and you said
had you loved her the way you want to
and I went boom okay
back in the room yeah right
yeah that’s how it works
if you’re starting at the bottom
No. 1 even before you get to the safe
find the safe person part
get back to shore
meaning drink some water get some rest
put your food in the
your feet in the ground like fill your cup
go to the movies go surfing
do something that fills your cup
get yourself back to shore
and then once you’re on shore
go find a friend a cousin
a men’s group join one of our things yeah
right and
and offload
so that you are
a few generations out of the initial anger and upset
because literally most of it is bullshit
most of it doesn’t have to do with them correct
most of its way old it’s installed early yeah
yeah and and
and and
it’s an
interesting way to think about how to love somebody
by not asking too much of their nervous system
you know we’ve been talking about like hey
how do you soothe it yes
but but what I see a lot of couples do is
they ask too much of their partner’s nervous system
for me it would be like
you know me
I’m I’m in I’m Mr conflict fucking resolution
I won’t leave the room until we’ve like
had a heart to heart we’ve all our shit out yeah
you know that does that’s not for everybody right
and some people will
some people can only take a few minutes
and then they go need to they need to go like
you know pat themselves down or something yes
and and so really being aware of like okay
am I so such a fucking bulldog that I’m
I’m I’ve blown their nervous system out
and I see this with women a lot too
like a lot of women will come in and like
I’m gonna share my feelings yes
and then and I’m gonna share my feelings
and then in those feelings are about
you know 60% projections and stuff that my dad did
and that for about 10 minutes
and about five minutes in like
you know your guys jaws yeah
quivering yeah
that’s a lie that’s a lie yeah
exactly
yeah
and so to be ladies I hear this from men all the time
it’s a fact there’s different people
that’s a fact feelings are not stories correct
I feel like you did this back
you treat me this way and all the time
that’s not a feeling yeah baby
that’s not a feeling yeah
just just hold my storm yes
yes yes
so anyway point being uh
that to to be aware of when our partners
it’s one thing to soothe our partners nervous system
when you know
when it’s starting to get ripped up
it’s another thing
to put the fucking gasoline on the fire
that blows them up
so I think that is such a a crucial piece of this work
like okay
okay if I come at her like this
I know what it’s gonna be
I’m I’m so I’m gonna offload it to somebody else
like you said so I can come and bring it to her um
alright so this has been great man
this really has been great and
and I I
I hope it’s helpful you know
we’re we’re really just sharing our experience here
it doesn’t work for everybody
but you know we’ve seen some shit yep
yep yep
you’ve seen some shit yes
um any
any sort of final words
anything you want to do to wrap this in a bow
one of the things we start our workshop
bridge experience with is
reminding everybody
that you can’t intervene in a world
you can’t see
and so our biggest work is to be able to see ourselves
yeah
each and every one of us is a world said differently
you can’t disown that which you’ve never owned and so
to the people listening or watching this podcast
I just want to acknowledge you and say you’re awesome
because you’re in the process
of being able to see yourself
you’re open enough to hear different perspectives
and your your
your you’re rolling downhill at this point
you know I tell my students all the time
the moment something’s really up
we’re now going down right right
it’s we’re
we’re in the process of like
it’s healing when there’s urgency yes
yes yes yes
so just a big hats off
so much love to each and every one of you
you know
we just had a big election and all that stuff happens
and I just wanna just say to all the women
especially um we see you yeah
we we see you
and you get to have choices with your own body
and there are men out here fighting for that for you
yeah absolutely
absolutely that’s great man
how do people find you you have Preston Smiles
com or how where do they find you
Preston smiles com
I just wrote a new book called Spiritual Millionaire
awesome uh
which is out now Preston smiles
com forward slash book um
and you can just find me at Preston smiles anywhere
there’s podcast YouTube
Instagram Preston’s not hard to find me
yeah haha
dude is everywhere
haha all right
thank you brother
thanks for being here man yeah